I used to absolutely dread when people would ask me about Axel's sleeping habits. I hated having to "explain" why my child doesn't fall into a coma for 12 hours at night because I felt like it was because I had not done something "the right way." After I settled into my role as a mom and became confident in myself, I quickly started to realize that I don't have to "explain" my child's sleep habits, there is no "right way" to sleep and I did nothing "wrong." Society can be very quick to make you feel like you have to parent in a certain way. Some of the most interesting parenting advice I have received has actually been from people with no children...go figure.
If you know me, you know that Axel's sleeping habits have been something I have tried to work on for quite some time now. While I do not regret decisions I made early on when it came to sleep training, I can now see the benefits of having had the strength to stick to a sleep training method...a strength I did not have at the time. Before we dive in, let's back up a little and review some topics:
...the mainstream sleeping styles/methods [these are certainly not all of the methods out there, just the ones that are most commonly discussed]
...the best time to sleep train
...how long sleep training takes
...does it always work?
Lets begin with the most commonly discussed and implemented sleep training methods:
The Ferber Method: this is the big name that most people tend to associate with sleep training. Named after pediatrician Dr. Ferber, this method involves putting your baby into their crib in a dazed state...not fully asleep, but very drowsy. Caregiver then leaves the room. When baby wakes and cries, caregiver waits for a certain interval of time before returning to soothe baby. For example: first cry wait 3 minutes, second cry wait 5, third cry wait 10 and so forth. The idea being that as the intervals get longer between crying and tending to baby, baby will learn to soothe him/herself and will no longer need your assistance.
Chair Method: This method involves putting baby to sleep in their crib and then sitting in a chair placed right next to the crib and each night inching the chair farther away until you are out of the room. The purpose of this method is not to intervene when baby cries, but to simply let them know that you are there for them through your physical presence in the room. Some may say this is a gentler approach compared to Ferber.
Wake and Sleep Technique: This method emphasizes the importance of being comfortable and cozy while learning how to self soothe. The caregiver would go through the usual nighttime routine [i.e. changing diaper, swaddling, feeding, rocking] and then once baby is asleep and placed in crib, caregiver would gently and slightly wake baby so that they then self soothe back to sleep [typically takes just a few seconds to get back to a deep sleep]. The idea here is that baby will learn to fall asleep based on the routine surrounding sleep. So, if the last thing you are doing in the routine is rocking and feeding, baby will only be able to fall asleep if those things are done. Wake and Sleep allows baby to still engage in those comforts, feel cozy and relaxed, but then wake slightly for just a moment to learn how to get back to that dreamlike state without those interventions.
No- Cry Methods: There are several no cry methods for those looking for a gentler approach to sleep training. The important facet here is to make sure you rotate the very last thing you do with baby before he or she falls asleep at night so that it is not just one thing baby becomes dependent on and thus relies on when awoken during the night. For example, if nighttime routine includes feeding, rocking, singing, and white noise, you want to rotate the order you do these things in so baby does not become reliant on one of those steps to actually fall asleep. That way, when they wake up in the middle of the night, they won't specifically quire being fed [for example] to fall back asleep. No cry methods generally take much longer to succeed than other methods, but for those of us [i.e. me] who cannot stand to listen to their baby cry, this route is for you.
Like I mentioned above, these are certainly not all the sleep methods out there. I encourage mamas to do individual research on the subject before determining which training path is best for them.
If I am planning to sleep train, when should I start?
You are the parent, so technically sleep training can happen at any point. However, it is most commonly agreed upon that 4-6 months of age is the prime training time. At this age baby weighs enough to be able to get through a full night without a feed; of course always consult your pediatrician on the topic of weight before training. In addition, at 4-6 months, babies develop the ability to actually implement self soothing techniques, which makes the process much easier. You can certainly wait until your baby is older, but it becomes significantly more difficult to succeed. Axel is a perfect example of just that. We waited until he was way to old [around 8-9 months] and thus way to smart. You have to catch them before they have solidified bedtime routine and nighttime expectations.
How long should I expect sleep training to take?
Sleep training can take as little as 4 days to as long as a month. However, it is important to note that training is not something done once and then forgotten. Babies experience a series of sleep regressions as their sleep cycle develops, they get sick and they travel. All of these things impact sleep and thus "mini trainings" will likely need to be reimplemented multiple times throughout development for a variety of reasons.
Does sleep training always work?
Nope. Axel is living proof. Based on my personal experience with sleep training I can tell you it most defiantly does not always work. When I say this to people I usually get varying responses...some of which include, but are not limited to:
...Do you stick to a nighttime routine to help the process?
...How long did you stick it out?
...Did you follow all the rules
Yes, I stick to a very strict and predictable nighttime routine. Axel knows to expect dinner, then bath, then book, then bed. This is what happens every single night regardless of where we are or what we are doing. He knows the routine backwards, forwards and upside down.
We attempted sleep training for 10 days straight. Followed every rule. No progress each night. He got even worse. During the day his typical sweet/smiley personality started to become depressed and withdrawn. Right when I saw his personality shift I said we are done with this. It clearly was not an appropriate implementation for my son specifically. Now, this does not mean that others do not have success, most people I know have done traditional sleep training and mostly found success. We missed the boat with age and thus for us, it was not in the cards.
Maybe if we would have started sleep training during that 4-6 months sweet spot it would have worked better...or maybe it wouldn't have. Regardless, it is never one size fits all. Axel did not respond to sleep training well. I was not willing to sacrifice his precious personality for a sleep trained baby. My rationale is that he won't be little and needing me forever...this is a blip in the scheme of things. I have come to peace with how I have shaped his sleep and I have learned a lot from it for next time.
My sleep journey with Axel
Now that we all have an understanding of some of the main sleep training methods/how and when to implement them, I'm going to get a little more specific on how it all went down with Axel. Most new mamas have a lot of nerves around bedtime when they bring home their newborn.
...what will the night hold?
...when will I be waking up next?
...is baby breathing?
...what if baby rolls over? and the list of worry questions goes on.
While most of the time we truly do not have anything to worry about, the anxiety is enough to keep you awake sitting at your baby's bassinet watching for a chest rise and fall...you know you have done this...don't pretend you haven't :). Along with all the regular mama sleep anxiety, I was in overdrive because my son was a NICU baby. His birth story is one for another time, but the bottom line is, when your baby spends any amount of time in the NICU, you come home on even higher alert because you have been faced with what can actually go wrong. This was where the inconvenient sleep habits started.
Axel did not take to a bassinet. I would put the kid down and he was like "excuse me, but do you think I am actually going to sleep in this thing when there is a cozy king sized bed next to me with my mama in it?" Honestly, I don't blame him, bassinets suck, but they do serve a purpose. Bassinets help baby get accustomed to the concept of their own sleep space while still being close to mom. Needless to say, our bassinet was given to a friend who had a baby a few months ago in 100% perfect condition due to its basically nonexistent usage level.
When the bassinet was a no go, I started using a co-sleeper so Axel would have his own safe sleeping surface, but placed in our bed so that I could be right next to him. This worked like a charm. Homeboy was sleeping like a pro. I was relaxed because I could literally keep my hand on his chest and reassure myself that he was in breathing. Things were going great.
While there are so many healthy things that come from co sleeping [higher sense of attachment, increased emotional security, stronger emotional bonds and overall stronger emotional health], as with anything, there are drawbacks. I am not defensive about admitting this at all...along with the long list of benefits come just as many inconveniences. These were inconveniences I was unaware of at the time because I was not yet able to look into the future and see how it would impact him, as well as myself, when he got older.
While I have loved every moment of co sleeping with Axel, now that he is older and bedtime is much more of a process than it is for children who were trained to sleep alone, I can very clearly see the benefits of the other side. Neither side is perfect. Each has their benefits and their drawbacks. It all comes down to what works for mom/baby and what mom perceives as sustainable. Sleep training did not work for the Axe man. He outsmarted the sh** out of us. This was likely because we waited too long to start implementing self soothing tactics...he was already too smart for us.
Regardless of the reason, traditional sleep training was not our path; co sleeping provided the path of least resistance so that is what I did. Do I regret it? No. I had precious time with my son that really strongly developed our bond, but would I foster those sleep habits for baby number 2? Also no. Now that I have the luxury of hindsight, I will intervene earlier so that the sleep training process is natural and doesn't end up being a whole production where both mom and baby are left crying. Will I do Ferber or Cry-it-out methods. No. I do not judge those who do use those methods...I never ever judge other mothers when they're making what they believe is the best decision for their child...but for me, cry it out is not an option. Will I be more strict with getting the baby comfortable in a bassinet and eventually a crib. YES. I will not relent as easily as I did with Axe because I now know that nothing bad is going to happen from encouraging a baby to sleep in their own space. Stay tuned for how this plan actually pans out when baby boy arrives. Poor second child gets the shaft.
My point in all of this is that there is no right way to sleep train your child. Mamas out there have to make these decisions based on their individual child, the needs of that child and what mom sees as sustainable. If you did Ferber and now have a child who sleeps 12 hours, amazing. Seriously, more power to you...I envy your strength in being able to follow through with the method and successfully sleep train. If you managed to sleep train without cry it out methods, hit me up because I need your wisdom. If you co sleep with your babe and it is working for you, also amazing. You have to do what works for you and your baby...not what society tells you to do. It is not "one size fits all" when it comes to raising tiny humans. Every single baby is drastically different from the next and they have to be treated as such when determining what works for them. So mamas, your decisions are never wrong when they are made out of love and the belief that you are doing what is safest, healthiest and overall best for your little one. If anyone tries to make you feel differently, remember that YOU and only you are the mom and you know your child best.
Pictured below: Axe man and I napping on the floor of the nursery...because you take advantage of the sleep time wherever its offered :)
You are the best mom💙