Growing pains

At a time when this awful COVID-19 pandemic is sweeping the nation and every single article or news report centers around this hideous virus, I debated even writing this post because it almost seems insignificant compared to the atrocities taking place across the globe. Then I thought about it for a while and realized that our frontline healthcare workers and military personnel are working tirelessly around the clock so that we mere mortals CAN think about things that are not always related to COVID-19. They put themselves on the line every single day to provide us the luxury of taking this time to focus in on our families and make the most out of a peculiar situation. So...that is what I am going to do here. I am going to take a couple of minutes to focus on something that is simply content for a blog post. Now, I can't promise there won't be COVID references here since that is now part of our new normal, but this post is an opportunity for mamas to get advice or give advice on a topic every single mother of 2+ littles will understand.

If you are an expectant mama for your second babe or currently going through this transition, this one's for you.

I always knew the transition to bringing Beckham home would not be easy. Common sense told me that Beckham would be an invader in Axel's home, which would undoubtedly cause some behavioral changes and obstacles we would have to navigate thorough together. Friends of 2+ told me that it would be harder than I could anticipate, but we would certainly get through it. I was prepared for these two perspectives. What I was not prepared for was how hard it would be emotionally. How the mom guilt is next level. How I would at times wonder if I have permanently ruined my older child. How I would wonder if in catering a little bit extra to my big little, would I sabotage a same level bond with my little little.

In this post I am going to talk a little bit about the first week home and how things went down with the Axe man. Then, based on that experience I will give all the second baby expectant mamas a list of tips for getting through the transition to home with baby no. 2.

Axel met his baby bro for the first time in the hospital. Our pediatrician was really helpful with tips for this first encounter. When she came to examine the baby the day he was born, the first thing she asked us was when the big brother would be coming to meet baby. When we told her he would be coming tomorrow, she gave us some great ideas for their first introduction.

Tip 1 [for the first introduction]

When big brother or sister comes in to meet their new little sibling, make sure baby is laying down in the hospital bassinet or placed in the hospital nursery upon siblings arrival. The last thing big brother or sister needs to see right off the bat is mom snuggling up to her new baby after big sibling has been separated from her for the time of the birth.

For our case, we put Beckham in the bassinet when my mom called to say she was bringing Axel up. When Axel came in we did not draw attention to the baby. I had him come sit up on the bed with me so I could give him about 500 hugs and kisses...much to his dismay:).

Tip 2 [during that first introduction]

If you decided to send baby to the hospital nursery while you waited for your toddler to arrive, take this opportunity to spend a little quality time in the hospital room just with your big kid. Catch up on the last day that you have been separated. Get in some snuggles. Then, have dad take your toddler to the snack room to pick out a "big boy snack."

Disclaimer: for those who do not have toddlers, snacks are a big deal lol

After you have had a little bit of quality time and fun snacks, walk with your toddler to the nursery to "get their baby." Toddlers are all about control and ownership. It gives them a sense of mastery during a time when they want so badly to be independent. Take this opportunity to make this new addition "their baby." It changes the whole perspective for them.

We had kept Beckham in the room with us laid down in his bassinet. After Axel had taken a trip to the snack room with Jordan and got some mama snuggles, we brought Beckham over and told Axel this was his new baby. Axel stared at him...unimpressed if I might add...and then went about his business. Anti climactic...but fine with me. I would rather him not really care than to have been distraught!

Tip 3 [still during first introduction]

Have a gift wrapped and ready that is from the baby to your older child. Tell your older child that their baby got them this gift. Pick something that you know will make your older kids so happy. Beckham got Axel a lot of bribery gifts lol.

...Hotwheels

...Balloons

...Jellycat dog

...Llama Llama books

Comment on tips 1-3: No matter how well all of the events above go, it will likely not last very long. Once you get home and into their [i.e. big kid] territory, all bets are off. This DOES NOT mean you did the introduction wrong...or broke your toddler...or caused permanent damage. Trust me. I had these thoughts. It simply means all of you are HUMANS and this is a natural transition that will undoubtedly have obstacles that simply need to be worked through over time.

When we got home with Beckham...not gonna lie...the first 3 days were rough. Axel really struggled. Axel has never ever been a whiny or tantrum child. Ever. If you know him, you know he always has a smile on his face, he is hilarious and never sits still! He is constantly busy with something and always brings a positive vibe to the room. That changed for a solid 3 days and let me tell you it scared the crap out of me. He became quiet, easily frustrated, extra extra clingy and generally just seemed unsatisfied. I found myself purposely trying not to hold the baby so that I could hold Axel...trying to hide when I had to feed the baby because I didn't want Axel to see...toning down my gawking over Beckham...picking up and carrying Axel around when I should not have been so close to post birth...basically bending over backwards to try and juggle everything all at once when that was no longer a realistic option. It was hard...much harder than I had anticipated.

With all of these newfound fears rushing through my head, I quickly felt very overwhelmed and loaded with mom guilt. My lifeline was remembering that my brother and I have the same age difference as Axel and Beckham and I cannot remember a life without him, nor would I want to. So I kept/keep telling myself that Axel will never remember this transition once it's over and out of it he will get a lifelong friend. While I constantly remind myself of this, it does not make being in the thick of the transition less difficult because as moms, we cannot resist taking on the weight of the world.

Tip 4

DO carve out time to focus solely on your big kid. Give baby to dad or grandparent during this time so you can solely focus on your older child.

Tip 5

DON'T unusually focus on your older child in a way you would not have before. I felt the extreme need to overcompensate for having to spend time with the little little. So, when I would focus solely on Axel I found myself being too extra and interacting differently with him because I was trying so hard to make that 1:1 interaction perfect. Newsflash: Toddlers are smart as hell...they will realize you are being weird and that will upset them more. Be mindful of that and be very self-aware.

Tip 6

DO have special little gifts, snacks, and activities planned for your older child. This will add a little something extra to their day while they navigate their feelings around this transition. Axel has never had pancakes or waffles in his life. He is now well aquatinted with pancakes and waffles...sorry Harvard Healthy Eating Plate.

Tip 7

DON'T overdo it on the extras listed in tip 6 and end up rewarding unwanted behaviors because you're "just trying to make him happy." I did this. When Axel would cry or get frustrated I found myself offering new toys or fun snacks or a walk to the outdoor bubble machine to get him out of his funk. Basically rewarding unwanted behavior. In these situations, I should have just helped him process through it and then once he was calmed offered these fun options. I know that now and it is working so much better.

Tip 8

DO find ways to get your toddler involved with caring for the baby. This has been something that has created a positive interaction between Axel and Beckham. For example, when I feed Beckham, I ask Axel if he can bring me the bottle from the table and then sit next to me and help me feed him. This makes Axel feel included instead of left out of the experience. Then, when Beckham is done, I have Axel "help" burp him. Don't worry, I make sure he is gentle lol. I then ask Axel if he wants Beckham to help burp him...Axel thinks it's hysterical and makes a fake burp sound and dies laughing. Little interactions like this one really go a long way.

Tip 9

DON'T overdo it with trying to force interaction. If your big kid is just not interested, respect that...it is part of their coping process. They have their whole lives to develop a bond...it does not have to happen in the first few weeks.

Where we are now:

We are only 2 weeks post bringing Beckham home...so we still have a long way to go in terms of figuring out our new normal. To add to it, this quarantine has not helped the situation. I had relied on taking Axel to all of his activities as the time we would have just the two of us...for me to focus solely on him while he is doing something he loves. With being stuck in the house, it is hard to carve out that special time because we are always all together. In addition, Axel is too young to understand why we aren't doing all the things he is accustomed to doing...so that has been hard and likely added to the obstacles involved with this transition. However, to get through that frustration I just keep reminding myself that we are doing our part as citizens to make the lives and jobs of the frontline workers easier...to protect our parents and grandparents...to protect those with health issues and autoimmune disorders...to honestly save the world. A few weeks at home with family is the least we can do to keep this nasty virus from becoming worse. While the timing is not great, when is timing ever that great? We will all be so much stronger in so many ways when we come through this!

So... to the mamas out there who are preparing for their second tiny house resident or going through the process now...you are doing and amazing job. At the end of the day as long as you are showing your kiddos that they are loved and safe, you have done all you need to do. There will 100% be meltdowns and hiccups, but your big kids will get through this and they will come out of it with a lifelong friend. All of the difficulties along the way are just part of the growing pains.

Pictured below: Axel actually requesting to hold Beckham. I will take this as a win!