They say [yea I don't know who "they" is either, but just go with me on this] strong friendships can stand the test of time...ok, but can they stand the test of babies? Let's back it up a little.
In a perfect world we would all like to think that life stage changes wouldn't impact preexisting friendships because if you're truly close with someone, how could that relationship alter just because life circumstances do? Would drifting from long time friends because of the birth of a child indicate that you were never truly meant to be lifelong friends in the first place? The relationship wasn't real? All that time invested in caring for someone and it counted for nothing?
If you are experiencing relationship dynamic shifts with friends due to one of you having a baby and the other not, I'm here to give you my two cents on the subject based on my experience.
Reflecting on my pre mom days, I often laugh at all the unrealistic expectations I had of how I could make it so life wouldn't change that much. I was fully convinced that due to my ability to be a highly organized individual, I would be able to carefully curate how every second of every day would go and thus minimize the nuclear bomb being set off in my house in the form of a 6lb baby boy :)
I really believed that I would be able to keep up with friends in the same way and that the actual friendship dynamics wouldn't alter that much.
It very very very quickly became clear why "mom friends" are such an important network to have almost instantly after baby is born. No matter how much you adore your non-mom friends, the absolute fact of the matter is that the dynamic will shift. This does not by any means indicate that the shift will be negative or result in friendship loss, it just means that you are now in two entirely separate stages of life so naturally there will be a mismatch. Suddenly you go from your time being 100% your own, being able to make plans on a whim, go out until all hours, sleep until whatever time you want and get everything else you need to get done checked off you list when you can to being 100% ruled by the time of your tiny human, having to make plans way in advance [if you even have the opportunity to make plans], having a time stamp on the evenings you are able to actually go out and accepting your residency with the sleep deprivation society that won't end for about 18 years. Hence, the lifestyle mismatch.
Pre Axel, my husband and I were very close with another childless couple that lived near us. We used to have frequent nights out together, weekend hangouts etc. After the Axe man was born, things shifted immidietly. For a while, they continued to want to go out in the evenings or have impromptu plans. It turned into a situation where my husband and I were constantly having to say no to plans because leaving the house in the evening is difficult and impromptu plans are just not realistic when kids are involved. We made efforts to get together as much as realistically possible, but their expectations and our reality were just not in line with one another. It ended up resulting in a situation where we were again invited on an impromptu dinner date...of course we had to say no due to the fact that Axel was sick at the time...and sadly this final "no" seemed to be the straw that broke the camels back. Despite trying to explain why "on a whim plans" cannot usually just happen, it's one of those things that you don't know until you know. You truly have to be on the other side to realize what parents mean when they say that plans cannot just randomly be made without a shit ton of coordination behind them.
Now, this is just one example for the purposes of showing how a life stage mismatch can change things. I of course still maintain friendships with old friends who have not yet had children and it works out just fine, so this is not applicable to all relationships. This example of our friends is to display that dynamic changes do exist and can be stressful, which is why, in addition to your pre baby friends, it is super important to find a mom friend network to incorporate in your life. The mom friends get it. They have either been where you are now or are in the exact same stage. You don't have to explain "why you can't go" or "why you have to cancel last minute" because they just understand in a way that we cannot require people with no children to. Mom friends are down to meet up in between nap times for a stroller walk and coffee...they will go with you to the park so the kiddos can be entertained while you catch up with your friend...they know that if you have an afternoon hangout you're going to have to end it by 4:30 or 5 so you can be home to start the night routine...they know what you mean when you say that you're just absolutely drained and want to hang out but don't want to do anything...mom friends just get it.
To all the mamas out there reading this who are still trying to find their tribe... Here are some suggestions for how to do so if you don't already have friends with kiddos:
...Join your local mom group...most big cities have them
...For the exercise guru mama, join a Fit4Mom group
...Sign your babe up for parent and me classes...it's a great way to meet other moms while you're doing something fun with your little
...Make a Peanut account...this is basically mom tinder. I have done it and met some really amazing people
...Be the crazy person at the park who strikes up random conversation with a mom who looks lonely. My own mom straight up flagged down a woman and her baby in the street because she wanted me to have more mom friends...I am not kidding...this really happened...BUT this individual and I now talk all the time and I'm so grateful for that!
I used to always make fun of all the memes about finding your mom tribe and blah blah blah...I was like seriously this is so extra...then I had a baby of my own and immediately understood. You do need to find your tribe. It really does take a village.
Pictured below: Axel and his friend Nori...Aka the daughter of the woman my mother flagged down in the middle of the road to become my mom friend :). Turns out they were born one day apart from each other at the same hospital.
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