Alright...I'll just say it...being a mom can be really freaking lonely. I know I'm not the only mama on the planet to think this because I see hundreds of memes from mom IG accounts that make several jokes on the subject. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely loooveeee a good mom meme...I mean if you know me, you know I am constantly reposting them on my instagram story...so I am no stranger to making difficult mom situations humorous...it's a very natural way for humans to cope. With that said, let's be real here for a hot sec. Motherhood is all consuming. It is filled with the absolute highest of highs ANNND the lowest of lows. Yep, I said it. I admitted that motherhood is not all unicorns and fairy dust...it's really hard sometimes.
When it comes to loneliness, this is never something I thought would be an issue because once you have a baby you are literally never alone...I mean my child sometimes straight up sits on my lap when I pee because he is so attached to his mama. My point is, you constantly have a tiny human following you around so how could you possibly be lonely?? Spoiler alert: it's very easy.
Especially for the mamas of newborns out there, loneliness is something that can happen almost immidietly. Your newborns needs are so demanding and time consuming that leaving the house for the first several weeks becomes a chore in it of itself. Just to walk around the block you have to pack like you're leaving the country for a semester abroad because there are so many things you may need even for a short period of time! In addition, you become strained from your social network because spending time with friends becomes increasingly difficult. Your friends with kids are busy with their tiny human responsibilities and your friends without kids have no concept of what you are going through, so having them around almost becomes more of a burden then actual help. Thus, the loneliness begins to descend when the permanency of your new reality sets in. Make no mistake, I adore my son more than anything on this entire planet, bar none. My boy brings me a level of joy I didn't know humanely possible, BUT that does not mean that I didn't/don't feel isolated at times...and guess what?? it also doesn't mean that I'm not absolutely in love with my child! These little humans have the capacity to bring out every single emotion you never thought you had...they are mostly positive, but some are negative and that doesn't mean that you're doing anything wrong...or that you're a bad mom...or that you can't hack it. It simply means you're a mere mortal and will learn with time what works for you.
I got a little off track there...#mombrain. Back to loneliness. Here are some things I implemented into my new life as a mom right away after Axel was born. They don't "cure" the feelings of being isolated, but they sure as hell make it a lot better.
...Get outside with your little as much as you possibly can. I cannot stress this to you enough. After Axel was born I would leave the house with him in the morning after his feeding and only return for feedings, diaper changes and when I convinced myself to be responsible and sleep when the baby sleeps. Being outdoors even when I was alone with my baby made me feel so much less isolated. Just being around other people and getting some sunshine made a world of difference.
...Have daily rituals that make you happy. This doesn't need to be anything big. My ritual was taking Axel in the stroller in the morning to walk to starbucks and get a coffee. Now mamas, this is not a time to go on any coffee cleanse...you need the coffee in your life. This is not a suggestion. It's a requirement. Treat yourself to the overpriced cold brew at Starbucks. It gives you a destination, it gets you outside the house and it creates a predictable and enjoyable event that is easy to accomplish.
...[Try] and sleep when the baby sleeps. This is a suggestion I did not apply to my own life and having the advantage of hindsight, I should have. I was in overdrive after Axel was born. I was trying so hard to combat the very intense feelings of isolation I was experiencing by literally walking outside with Axel for the whole.entire.day. I kid you not I am probably on a surveillance list somewhere around town for having passed their security cameras to many times. During my obsessive need to rid myself of loneliness, despite many suggestions from others to just get some sleep, I could not seem to see the forest beyond the trees and ignored all of the advice. Now remember, sleep deprivation is literally a military torture tactic. They use it to get highly trained soldiers to flip on their own counties. It is not a joke. Force yourself to pick one sleep stretch a day during those early newborn weeks to sleep while baby is sleeping. The dishes and laundry can wait two hours. Just make it happen. You will thank me.
...Call a friend. Yep, you read that right...I said call...as in not text...call. Once you come down from your anxiety attack about my suggestion of actually talking on the phone to someone, listen up. Just talking to someone and hearing another familiar human voice helps so so much. Even better if the person you're calling is also another mom [shoutout to my girl Chirstin]. You can bitch about all the things that are driving you mad and then go all gaga over the adorable smile [i.e. it was prob gas] your baby gave you that day. Other mamas get it so we're happy to listen to all of your concerns and all of your victories.
...If you have local family that you are close with, whether it be your own mama or someone else, be with them as much as you can [assuming you actually like these people]! I am so unbelievably lucky that my mom lives just minutes from me and we are very very close. Having her around when I was a new mom was exactly what I needed. She gave me confidence and support that you can't just find anywhere.
...Set boundaries. As the new mom YOU and only you get to call the shots regarding what is working for you while you're trying to grow into your new role. This means setting clear boundaries for who you want around and when because believe it or not, having people around that you don't want during that sensitive time will in fact make you feel even lonelier. Sounds counter intuitive right? Wouldn't having just anyone around make the feelings of isolation subside? Nope. If there are people in your environment that are causing any sort of stress as you navigate new motherhood, you have to set boundaries. This doesn't have to be a negative thing and doesn't mean you don't love these individuals, but you have to make your needs known. There are too many other things going on during those first few weeks and months that absolutely require your attention. You do not need to be spending energy having internal battles about feeling like you have to please others. Spoiler alert: not your job to please anyone...the only priorities are you and baby. The people who love you should have the capacity to understand that.
...Join a local moms group. These groups generally have meeting times organized by the childrens age. Often times there will be coffee date meetups and other activities that are age appropriate. Gets you out of the house and establishes a routine.
There are obviously lists and lists of other things you can do to feel less alone during your first weeks and months as a mother, but these are some of the big ones that worked for me personally. I don't know who needs to hear this today, but I see you. I know it is so damn hard. You're absolutely exhausted. It can seem like things will never be the same again, but I promise you it does get better and you will be 100% fine. Keep crushing the mom game :)
Great one, big fan of yours!